i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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