why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
