Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
