Don't make out with my wife yet
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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