I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
