Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
