got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
her facebook's as public as her vagina
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
