I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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