You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
