Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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