JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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