My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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