I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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