shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
please come you make the beer taste better
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
