i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
