After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
