Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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