Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
