He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
