How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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