there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
