So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
