Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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