Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
