I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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