i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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