he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
