I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
