Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
