I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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