How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
