Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
