I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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