worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
