I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
