She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
