how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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