Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
