So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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