On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
