If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
