Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
