He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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