I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
