Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
