My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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