Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
