Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
