so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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