We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
