I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
