3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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