So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
is wine microwaveable?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Randomize
