Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
