hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
