The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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